Acquired English Deficiency Syndrome (AEDS)

A few headlines in yesterday’s newspaper:

• AU urges UNSC to deploy international force in Mali.
• RPF shortage hits security at MRTS.
• UPA wins FDI vote with SP and BSP support in the LS.
• M&M pulls out of AM deal.
• CMDA expects CRZ clearance for constructing 2800 dwelling units.

The list of acronyms is so long, you need reference material when you read the daily headlines. All I can say is MAHAINGTTIA. And the reference for this is ‘MAD AS HELL AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE’ - Peter Finch’s oft repeated sentence in the Network movie. Acronyms get pronounced – like NATO, WIPRO, and initialisms don’t get pronounced - like IBM and GM. Today’s world of communication abounds with these.

And it is not just the newspapers that use acronyms. Everyday chat on the internet or SMS’ has acronyms, like LOL and OMG…expressions that have become a part of the texting world. Unless you’ve fled civilisation to escape electromagnetic fields, you know that OMG stands for "Oh My God" and LOL means "Laughing Out Loud." You are probably also familiar with BFF (Best Friend Forever), IMHO (In My Humble Opinion) and TMI (Too Much Information). Once acronyms are included in the prestigious OED (OMG, I am also afflicted with the disease) - Oxford English Dictionary - it is safe to say that they’re here to stay.

Some unwritten norms to be followed when using acronyms:

• Any term with at least two words must be assigned an acronym
• It must be defined in parenthesis, even if you'll never use the term again
• Don't worry if you've already used the same acronym for something else—the readers will know what you mean
• Remind your readers what an acronym stands for at random intervals
• If you're not sure how often you should insert these reminders, just define the acronym every time you use it.

Here is the correct way to use acronyms:

It is in the best interests of the people belonging to BPL (Below the Poverty Line) UPA (United Progressive Alliance) has to develop a Tax Plan (TP) that neither pinches India's Working Class (IWC) nor the Independently Wealthy (IW). It should come as no surprise that both the IWC and IW would like to see a Tax Plan (TP) that includes Lower Tax Rates (LTR), but the demand for LTR must be balanced against the needs of the Taxpaying Public (TP). As a result, the current TP should be eliminated.

I don’t understand why they have to turn everything into an ACRONYM. In the Corporate world for ‘Meetings, Incentives, Conventions & Exhibition’ they use the acronym MICE.

Imagine reading an article titled ‘Logitech MICE at Ramoji Film City’ followed by the article that goes on like this:

Logitech’s launch of new Mouse will be followed by an event for their employees. Local MICE suppliers will have a chance to introduce their services to the foreign MOUSE manufacturer and also showcase their MICE handling capability to the foreign visitors.

To top it all we have abbreviations in text messages. A friend sent me a message after her love failure. It read 'AFAIR LUV B4 was serious. 2day sum1 luvs 1ly 2 njoy' which when translated means 'As far as I remember love before was serious. Today someone loves only to enjoy'

To such unclear messages and abbreviations, I have only this to say... IMHO IDK y ppl tnk its gr8 (sorry... couldn’t resist using the same language... please decipher it :-))

I am sure that someone like my friend Laila will post a comment as follows: OMG I dunno y u hv such a prob w/it. mks lif intrstng when you can't fig out what ppl are trying to say.  :)  lol  jkjk

"The report of my death was an exaggeration." -- Mark Twain (after reading his own obituary)

I must be dead. What am I saying? I AM dead for the last 6 years or so… if I go by an advertisement that I saw in The Hindu. Advanced Hair Studio claims that ‘You live only once… No Hair, No Life’.

Years back when my wife saw me with frizzy hair (just on the sides of my head since I had gone bald in the centre and back) after a scooter ride, she told me that I would look hip if I shave my head and sport a Pritish Nandy look. I did so and more than being concerned about looking modish, I found it absolutely comfortable. There's no more the need to comb or primp my hair. Plus, it's hard to get a bad haircut :-). When it's hot, a quick splash of water cools me right down, but won't keep dripping into my eyes. No more shampoo tears. I save money on Hair Care products. I can go on and on about the benefits. But the most important was ‘Attention Seeking’…

Seeking attention? Yes, sporting a balding look is a memorable one. Many people find it interesting, and I find myself fielding questions about the how's and why's. Particularly women find it very sexy. The reason is simple. When women think of sexy guys, they have a lot of options to choose from: Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, Jason Stathom and Sylvester Stallone from the West to John Abraham, Shahid, Hrithik and Salman here in India. All assertive and dominating in looks. But when women think about sexy bald dudes, there are only a few: Jean Luc Picard and Bruce Willis from US and Pritish Nandy here. So, if you are bald, you have much less competition. In fact there is a possibility that women will think that you are also macho because most of the recent Hollywood’s sexy, six-packs are also bald. From Jason Statham to Vin Diesel to Chris Daughtry to Bruce Willis. Maybe the competition is hotting up for baldies. But the consolation is the link between the clean dome and the 'ACTION' hero image.

As usual I have digressed and this looks like a sequel to my earlier post titled 'Bald is beautiful'. Let me come back to my death.

Tamil writer Sujatha wrote that at 70 he will see the obituary column regularly in the newspaper to feel comfortable.  If he reads about people having died at a younger age (less than himself), he will feel happy that he is still alive. If it is about people of a ripened age, he will say to himself that he has a few more years to live. Now for me there is no comfort in knowing that I had died some 6 years back. I wanted to have a few words of consolation and hence told my son, Prashanth that I died few years back at a young age. Pat came his reply. “Nonsense. Only the good die young”. In a way it was a consolation... that probably I am still alive.  I went to my wife and said: “I looked at this ad. I died 6 years ago”. She nodded and said: “I am not surprised. The last 6 years you have never been of any use to me or to others in this house”.

I remember having attended a spiritual discourse in which someone asked “Guruji… Is there life after death?” and he replied, “First see whether you have LIFE in your life. We will later talk about life after death”. Ok…ok. Probably this is what the ad meant. I am happy to know that I am alive. I now have to infuse LIFE into my life. Let me begin by drinking to that.