The thing that is BUGGING me!

Now a new study postulates that eating insects are good for you (The Hindu last page and TOI centre page of today 14-5-2013). I am finding this difficult to digest! But if others can digest them, who am I to question that? When you can eat a hot dog why not a hot roach? 

Insects are incredibly efficient at converting vegetation into protein and apparently, every 100 kg of feed produces 40kg of protein compared to only 10kg of protein from beef. In parts of Africa, where swarms of locusts are wiping out crops, rather than killing them with insecticides, the locusts are harvested and used for food. Termites are commonly eaten in most parts of Africa. 

Now what will happen to the pest control industry? Mortein, Hit etc. We have the idea that if you see an insect, spray it. Now it will change to if you see it, simply eat it! The Chinese have a humorous take on their gastronomic tastes: "We eat everything that flies except planes, everything that has legs except the table and chairs.” And they eat deadly scorpions too! One man's meat is another man's poison, they say. Should we now change this to ‘One man’s poison is another man’s meat’….

Believe it or not, most of the world eats bugs. Inadvertently we are all already eating bugs, whether we mean to or not. Peanut butter is allowed to have thirty insect fragments per hundred grams, and chocolate is O.K. up to sixty according to US Govt’s Food Regulations (FDA).

Sometime back eating insects was a staple on “Fear Factor”… now they are featured on “Top Chef Masters”! Offering your friend a delicious buggy snack, dry roasted crickets for instance, will inevitably result in comments such as ''Gross!'', ''Disgusting'', and of course, ''You’ve got to be kidding me!'' These reactions are a result of our culturally imposed food values. But think about it. We react the same way to Gay Marriages here in India which now is legal in many countries.

People have been eating insects since the beginning of time. In the ancient empires of Greece and Rome, Entomophagy (the eating of insects) was commonly practised. Locusts and cicadas were popular among both the rich and the poor. Wine and bran fed stag beetle larva and honeyed locusts were served at the Royal family’s grand banquets. So you see, insects have been eaten throughout time by everyone from peasants to kings. Why shouldn’t we follow our ancestors’ examples?

While there are insects I find annoying in my part of the world - Chennai (such as mosquitoes, flies and ants), their relatively small size makes them seem less threatening than some other tropical cousins like cockroaches. I realize that many people are used to seeing such creatures every day and therefore don’t find them unnerving. However, this knowledge didn’t help me much when I went to Dharmasthala and Kollur in Karnataka on a pilgrimage. I found crawling, flying, creeping and scuttling roaches everywhere… above our bed, below our bed, in the bathroom etc. In fact the temple Mookambika in Kollur is infested with cockroaches. Anyway at Dharmasthala, after some comically desperate manoeuvres  I finally succeeded in banishing the bugs from the room. Perhaps if I had known that roaches make a tasty food (ground up with chillies to make a spicy Thai delicacy), I would have invited a few Indonesian and Thai friends of mine.

However, I don’t think I’d ever be able to switch to a bug-eating lifestyle, no matter how tasty or nutritious they might be. I’ll leave that to those with more adventurous palates and stronger stomachs. I am no Andrew Zimmern to try out Bizarre foods!

In Korea where they eat dog meat, there is a joke that is in circulation. The houses which have dogs as pets sport a sign which says 'BEWARE OF HUMANS'.

I remembered the joke in the Tamil Movie ‘Sabash Meena’ where the comedian complains, "Look there is a fly in the tea." And the tea-shop owner replies, “then what… for the ten paise you pay, do you expect an elephant to float?”

There are other similar jokes…

“Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.” “Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.”

“Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.”  “That's all right sir, he won't drink much.”

“Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.” “So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?”

“Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea cup?”  “I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.”

And now if you complain. "Waiter, there is a roach in my burger", you may hear "That would be Rs 10 extra on your bill sir"

Keep it, toss it, sell it, or donate it.

We are a COLLECTORS family! Not that we all have an IAS qualification…but in the sense of accumulating things as memorabilia, mementos or just keepsakes, we are collectors. We accumulate, accumulate and accumulate. Be they polythene covers, or marriage thaamboola bags… or torn bed linen (to be used as rags while painting the house or doing some plumbing work)… take-away-food empty containers, soft-drink bottles… torn curtains / upholstery material (again for rags), or discarded old beddings (to be used as extra beds on the floor when guests come)… empty glass bottles, left-over painting / plumbing / carpentry / electrical materials, plastic tubs (that found use some decades back when there was water shortage in the city)… huge vessels used by my mother decades ago when we were a joint-family… or pens that don't work, broken Ganapathy idols (incidentally my wife has the hobby of collecting Ganesas in various materials, forms)… you name it, we have RETAINED it!

My wife’s argument invariably is “At some point in time, in our lives or in the lives of our future generations, these will come in handy”. No denial of this! Once I asked my wife for a polythene cover to store photocopies of documents of my two-wheeler. She gave me five covers of different sizes and asked me which one would suit my purpose and how MANY would I require. I was simply floored! On another occasion there was some minor plumbing work at home and I asked for some rags to block a pipeline. Instantly she pulled out from underneath the cot, a trunk box full of torn clothes and asked me to choose. And there it is. Who am I to complain about my people accumulating unwanted things? They are collecting only utilities, values, conveniences and practicalities… there, that sounds better than saying ‘clutter’.

My house does look like the aftermath of an earthquake. I’ve got to throw or give stuff away. But how can I do it without the consent of others. Giving away things is not easy for a born collector of things like my wife. Even the smallest thing seems to create conflict. Throwing away a empty milk sachet, an old magazine, a cute card or something that someday someone somewhere might be able to use is traumatic.

Humans are genetically hunters and gatherers, but the gathering thing has reached epic proportions in my house. I have never thrown away a single greeting card my daughter or son has ever given / sent me. Then there is this GUY clutter in our house. It is mostly about tools… My son has enough tools to equip a multi-car-brand workshop that can take care of tinkering to painting to engine-overhaul. And recently when he went to Total Mall with my brother-in-law, he got a cute multi-tool piece resembling a Swiss Knife that had screwdrivers, a LED flash light, a small wrench etc. to fill in the lacunae!

Another trait of my son Prashanth... He detests every bit of clothing he owns. On an occasion - a Wedding Reception -  I pulled out a Kurta from the wardrobe (that I maintain for him… he never buys clothes or put them to wash or give them for pressing) for him to wear. He looked at it and said, “What? Are you crazy? In a city like Chennai, who will wear a full sleeved, jazzy embroidered outfit like this? It will be too hot”. But later when I attempted to give it away he developed a sentimental attachment to it and said something like, “JeeJoo got this from Rajasthan and how dare you give it away?”

My wife owns so much stuff, she often has to spend days searching for something or other. I extend, at times, my assistance. Thank god I am not suicidal! Otherwise when you visit my home and jerk open my wife’s closet, you will find me rolling out of it dead, along with all the junk. But I know that it could be weeks before either you or my wife will find my body :-)

Other than the ones I listed initially in this post, my wife saves these as well... just in case.

Cardboard boxes: Need these in case we move... in case we run out of firewood... and in case I need a place to hide.

Fancy china and stainless-steelware: Just in case we get a sudden visit from the Prime Minister. Otherwise on a daily routine, my son, my daughter and I get the crummy stuff. Our friends and family also get the second-rate plates, forks and spoons.

Ill-fitting clothes of Prashanth and mine: Half the clothes haven't fitted Prashanth since 1991... the year he was born! But we're saving them just in case Pavithra my daughter delivers a boy. Similarly for me if that miracle diet works… I have to fit into the waist 30” wardrobe, according to my wife!

Exercise machine: The fancy Elliptical / Orbitrek… keeping all those spiders in shape and at times the vacuum cleaner in working condition! It looked really appealing in those television ads, when someone else was doing the sweating. My wife thought the fat would just disappear, but the only thing that disappeared was my money!

The other day I was telling my wife how to get rid of clutter: “Ask yourself ‘Have I owned whatever this thing for more than two years and never worn it or used it?’ and if your answer is Yes, then throw it out”. Quick was her retort… “I have never found any use of you for over a decade now, and out you should go first”.

The late comedian George Carlin said, “Your house is a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get… more stuff!”

Better not discuss this topic any further. Pointing out your partner’s clutter never leads to a happy ending… or for that matter less clutter!

A bit under the weather

Lane: London Fog… How ludicrous.

Don: Really? I have one.

Bert: So do I.

Lane: No, of course… It’s just the name. There is no fog in London. There is no London fog.

Bert: Are you sure about that?

Lane: Quite. Never was. It was the coal dust from the industrial era… Charles Dickens and what not.

These are the lines from the opening episode of the 3rd season of Mad Men that was telecast last night. The dialogue mentioned above happens in Bert Cooper’s office where ad experts are discussing the absurd name of American clothing brand ‘London Fog’. From British point of view - the merger of agencies has a British as the CFO - the name is completely wrong, Americans on the other hand think otherwise.

That apart, weather-obsessed British people spend on average six months of their lives talking about whether it is going to rain or shine, according to a survey published recently. The most usual explanation for the British fascination with weather is that it is so unpredictable. But Britons! Do not worry. It is no different in Chennai or India for that matter. In a lifelong trend, which shows no signs of changing over the short term, people in their 30’s, 40’s, 50’s and older still, list the weather as the top topic in conversation with both strangers and close family and friends. I think it's a part of our national psyche to complain about everything.

The last many years that I have been in Chennai, every time I meet someone during summer, this is what they have to say. “This year has been horrible. I am sure the temperature, on an average, must be at least a degree higher than last year.” If this had been true Chennai would now be like a nuclear reactor, fission and fusion happening for free, and there will be no power cuts!

The summer heat is wearing everyone thin. In Chennai, the 4 seasons are: hot, hotter, hottest and ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Right now we are in the fourth season AYKM. I have Windows 8 on my system which has a screen on Weather by Bing.  If you check it you will find that except Chennai and a couple of other coastal cities, the temperature recorded and ‘FELT’ are the same. In Chennai it mostly says, Temperature: 36 degrees, Clear sky, FEELS like 42 degrees. What the heck? They may as well say ‘FEELS like S#@T’. (The “Feels Like” temperature is apparently the apparent temperature based on temperature, humidity and wind speed). All I can say is meteorology is closer to astrology than it is to astronomy.

It's pretty easy to make jokes about the heat in Chennai... Here are some culled out from internet on Texas heat – changed to Chennai. It's so hot in Chennai that...

• the vegetables arrive cooked from Koyambedu, and all you have to do is to add salt and pepper.
• the farm-fresh eggs come as boiled eggs.
• the milk is in the form of milk powder. 
• you’ve cancelled your Hotmail account because you didn’t like the name
• you can get your shirt pressed (in Chennai they say ‘ironed’) simply by wearing your seatbelt in the car.
• you are forced to take a hot shower always… as hot water now comes out of both taps.
• you try driving the car by holding the steering wheel with just one finger and that too by the tip.
• you discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window (now that the law enforcement has ripped of the dark films!).
• you notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
• you actually burn your hand opening the car door.
• you realize that bitumen on top of roads has a liquid state.
• the camels prefer Chennai over Thar desert.
• that all Europeans and Canadians will spontaneously undergo combustion while Siberians will evaporate.

If Einstein had visited Chennai he would have explained Relativity like this… “When you are in Switzerland an hour seems like a second. When you visit Chennai a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.”

A husband and his wife were sound asleep when suddenly the phone rang.  The husband picked up the phone and said, 'Hello? How the heck do I know? What do you think I am… a weatherman?' He then slammed the phone down and settled into bed.

‘Who was that?' asked his wife. 'I don't know. It was some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear.'

So much nonSCENTS

“What would you like? Whiskey or Gin?” my wife asked me. “I have always been a ‘Gin’ner…” I said. “Then pass the Whiskey to me”, my son Prashanth said. “By all means” said my wife and handed over the bottle to him. “I will splurge… no restraints please…” Prashanth said and my wife said, “Go ahead. Indulge”. And she said, replete with a sad tone, “I love Whiskey… but society doesn’t approve a woman having it. Umm… mhh… I will settle for a Tea instead”

Readers… if you are going to react like Juhi Chawla in one of the ads, “What a family?” let me hasten to clarify. My decent Indian family was discussing about the perfume to be worn for a special evening.

Perfumer (that’s how the manufacturers love to be called) ‘Commodity’ has introduced last week a new stink… no… no… a perfume for men! It is called ‘Whiskey’… with actual whiskey smell. They also have one by name ‘Gin’ and another for women called ‘Tea’. They can introduce a whole range instead and call it 'Happy Hour Perfume Range' :-)

Silly as this story is, it’s actually not the first time some weird perfumer has unleashed a signature scent upon consumers’ nostrils. Burger King apparently released “The Flame” in 2008, a men’s body spray that embodied “the scent of seduction with a hint of flame-broiled meat.” Not to be left behind, just a couple of months back, for Valentine season 2013, Pizza Hut introduced “Eau du Pizza Hut” - the perfume is said to smell like “freshly baked pizza dough and Italian herbs.” 

I am sure, soon these will be followed by McDonald, Taco bell, KFC and Starbucks’. Next time when you ask for a burger or a pizza, you have to qualify it… to eat or wear! These days, the gap between what we eat and drink, and what enterprising perfumers think we want to smell like, is closing.

In another savory food scent category is ‘Fargginay’s Bacon, which supposedly incorporates the aroma of sizzling cured pork. As early as 1920, a Parisian butcher accidentally discovered that the essence of bacon when mixed with some essential oils result in a mood elevating scent. The tagline reads ‘Scent by the gods’. Now mix it with the whisky cologne and you’ll smell just like a sizzling ‘Steak au Poivre’!

Most of the scotch whiskeys smell like antiseptic lotion because of a sub-category of phenols called cresols--specifically ortho-cresol. Cresols are very commonly used to dissolve other chemicals, which makes them very useful as disinfectants and deodorizers. So when you wear ‘whiskey’, you could end up smelling like a hospital cardiac ward, or maybe the emergency room?

So now you can smell like whiskey, or bacon or pizza… or all the three together! And soon someone will bring out perfumes smelling like Body Odor and cigarette butts… you can smell like a smoker without having to light up! I have a great idea which needs to be patented immediately. Can anyone help? ‘Breaking Wind’ (you know what this euphemism is for!) category of perfumes… in varied flavors like garlic, broccoli, onion and asparagus.

Now you could smell like an Apple product, too. It’s the geek equivalent of new-car, new-gadget smell: That wave of plasticky aroma that strikes your nostrils as you un-wrap a brand new computer... an Australian art collective called Greatest Hits has collaborated with a scent marketing company to bottle up the scent of a MacBook.

Fine… now get one thing straight...‘Don’t mix’ whiskey and gin and wear! You’re sure to get a hangover. So just go for one of them. And don't drive cars. Imagine smelling like whiskey and driving a car. Perfect for those roadside sobriety checkpoints.

I have been wondering what could be the tagline for ‘Whiskey’… something like ‘For every man who wants to smell like a blend of tear gas and tuna'.