Lies and Life!

Last night I was told by my wife that I lie a lot. I was mulling this over for some time and concluded that it’s true that I lie (but won’t accept the ‘lot’ factor!) but let me hasten to say that in the bargain I have hurt none. I gloss over bits that might cause me pain to examine or that hurt someone else unnecessarily.

I always thought that my lies go undetected! But it seems that my wife is a state-of-the-art Polygraph "lie detector". Some people, like my wife, are better "lie detectors" than others, better able to distinguish a lie by facial expression, cadence of speech, certain movements, and other methods.

A key consideration to me in lying is that, if your dearly beloved has just spent an absolute fortune on an outfit that makes her feel absolutely fantastic, a little white lie like “Hey you look great” in response to “Does it suit me?” is not only acceptable, but it’s probably a relationship saver… Though I know that she'll scare someone in public in that dress I feel that it is part of tiny, benign lies that keep the peace or salvage a partner's feelings.


As some one said, stretching the truth (it sounds even better than white lie!) is a natural component of human instinct and the world is probably a better place because of our white lies. Given our rigid optimism to lead a smooth ideal life, white lies simply cushion us in this highly friction bound world.

But one needs to draw the line. Tiger Woods’ sexcapades and the lies that followed get into the EXTRACURRICULAR arena. Recently John Edwards' string of lies in sex scandal makes even Tiger Woods look like an amateur. A publication from New York has asked its readers to vote the best liar (or should it be worst liar since they have been caught!) in the Scandal Club that includes Bill Clinton as well.

Bonnie Eaker Weil, a psychotherapist and relationship expert, says "Lying gives a real high for these people." But I believe that the ends justify the means a lot… and my vote is for white lies... no let me call them RELATIONSHIP SAVERS!!

Here’s my favourite set of Relationship Savers:

He said that. – It’s not worth taking credit for.

I will be there in 5 minutes. – Anyway the other person has nothing much to do!

Oh! It’s a thoughtful gift. – Because telling someone that the wall clock gift sucks because I already have 10 of them would make me look arrogant.

Yeah, you look great in that dress. – Already explained... relationship retainer!

She means nothing to me. - Ditto

Of course I love you. - Ditto

I already sent you that info. – How can I tell you that I forgot?

My wife probably can add a lot more to this list since she is a 'lie detector'!

To wrap it up here is a joke on how a woman tries detecting her husband's lie!

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, after having been to her house he realised that it was pretty late for him to return home. As the man got ready to leave, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home."Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house."Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having a good time in the evening. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!".

120 ml Gin and Zzzzz…

Friends have been enquiring about how I spent the Christmas Eve and the New Year Eve. My answer is in this blog.

Hyderabad loves to party. The Hyderabadis party to celebrate when something good happens, such as India winning any Cricket one-day match or series (which nowadays Indians do, like clockwork, every time.) When something bad happens, they party to cheer themselves up. When nothing is happening, they party because they are bored. Sometimes they party because there is no reason to party!

I had a close friend in Hyderabad who used to be a party animal. If there was a party, he was there, and he did not leave until it was over. Even then, he did not always leave. Sometimes the people, who threw the party, if they wanted to get rid of him, had to move. Even then he would get into another party. Like Pub Hopping Party Hopping! And could he hold drinks… to say the least, he can put a beer cask to shame! Wikipedia will tell you that a beer cask, over a period of time, changed from 36 gallon capacity to 32 gallon. But it is the reverse for him.

Though I could never party the way these people do, I consider myself a Party Dude (mind you, not a Party Animal.) Beyond two drinks (which has always been my quota, ration or allowance since I started drinking) I will go speechless. I don’t become boisterous… I don’t make a scene. If I am forced to have my third drink, I just sleep after that. But people love me for that! You know why… there are always a few in such parties, who feel better because they can hold more drinks and I am giving them the opportunity to act concerned. They will try and wake me up by making me smell the lime… they will tell others that they will take care of me while going back home.

I was thinking about this recently at a party in Chennai. And mind you, in Chennai I don’t attend sedate parties like I used to in Hyderabad. These are parties where boys and girls, bunch up together in their most skimpy costumes that can be worn only after the evening twilight. There is so much of noise and ruckus you will feel out of place soon. There is some nudity at these parties as well… when a guest removes all of his or her garments, including diaper, and sprints around squealing, pursued by a parent terrified that the child is about to make peepee on the carpet of semi-complete strangers. Yes dudes… I am talking about the birthday parties of children. Only these I am allowed to attend after moving over to Chennai.

So there I was, holding a balloon puppy that had been made for some kid by the party clown. (All children's birthday parties are now required, under Indian Penal Code, to have a clown. If you don't have one, armed guards of the Indian Department of Child Whimsical Welfare will come to your home and forcibly paint your face.) That was when a chilling thought flashed across my mind: What has happened to me

How did I -- a person who would have once made the front page of the newspaper in AP, for having chosen to sleep on the Bar Counter of 10 Downing Street after SMELLING some liquor is now holding a Cone Ice-cream on one hand and Cotton Candy on the other – and how did I turn into a person enthusiastically thrusting a balloon puppy in reaction to watching a baby strip? Is my life really this dull now? Have I turned into a pathetic old person like Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman? Should I also draw up my Bucket List

Yes, this is how I, Former Party Dude, am currently spending my leisure time. And now my friends have the answer to how I spent those two important evenings!