The writing on the CHEST is unclear!

Sometime back when I was with my friends, my friend Sukumar looking at my t-shirt said, that he was unaware that t-shirts came so very personalized. I didn’t get it initially… then I realized that the brand name ‘Buffalo’ was embroidered on my shirt. This incident and a couple of jokes which are going around on the net about ‘GUESS’ T-shirts, prompted me to write this post. First the jokes…

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?"

I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. So I said, "Thyroid problem?"

Years’ back sporting any symbol in your attire was considered an ignominy. It is cheap and vulgar to display anything on the garment. But today it has become a fashion. Brands add value to you instead of you adding value to a brand. A ‘crown’ on your cuff is a statement of you having arrived. A polo rider on your chest signifies status. Now this has gone even further… you can get inspired or informed or enjoy a chuckle, not through the billboards or blog posts, but through messages on a t-shirt. A casual observer of your tee may not know who you are, but will know where you work or where you holidayed last summer. Nowadays T-shirt is never just a tee: it’s always a cultural message board, a banner for self-expression. It's become the best way of communicating your wisecracks and wisdom. 

These Bosom Billboards are used by some to convey what they have in mind. Britney Spears made headlines after her very public break up with Justin Timberlake when she was photographed wearing a shirt that read “Dump him”. But many, in my belief, use them to display ‘Wannabe’ messages rather than ‘I am this’ message. I call them "Bogan Slogan" t-shirts. What else can you say when you see a 60 year old man wearing a tee with the message ‘SEX GOD… Ask for details’ or a girl sporting the message ‘HUG ME for luck’.  I suppose these people think that they are trendy and hip. I sometimes do wear t-shirts with funny messages. But I'm not desperately clinging to my youth, or seeking attention. I just think they are humorous and they are part of my laid back style. And I wear them at home.

A couple of months ago, I was coming out of Spencer’s Plaza, and there was a young obese woman who had a t-shirt with some writing on it, and all I could see were the words, "This is....." and I couldn't see the rest of the message because the shirt went into the layers of flab on her stomach… no big deal. Except when she went on to adjust the shirt and I saw the shirt in its entirety. It read, "This is what HOT looks like." LOL!

Why is it that wearing our hearts on our sleeve (or should it be chest!) be considered cool?  What do you tell the world when you wear shirts like that? How they read to me is – please accept me as cool and invite me over… I kind of want to wear a tee with a reply ‘Act your age’ or ‘You’re retarded’ to be seen by these juveniles(!). Recently a T-shirt in size-four for a toddler, bearing the words 'Barely Legal' in block letters, had parents outraged in USA.

It’s cooler to stand for something and portray messages that you believe in.  Nothing is hotter than knowing what you’ll ethically stand for. Why wear a shirt with the word "Gap" or "Nike" on it when you can make a meaningful statement… as an alternative to the repetitive tees with some sexual innuendos. When a woman wears NO FUR pin on her coat – it’s an expression of what she stands for. When someone wears a tee that says “Not a meat eater” it almost always creates a dialogue. People may not read a book on Vegan Diet. But if your message arouses curiosity, they will get to know more about it by talking to others. There are powerful social messages which make you think. The picture of globe and ‘There is no Planet B’…

I don’t mind clever and witty messages that lighten you and lifts your spirit. My favourites with my retorts in brackets…

   

1.   4 out of 3 people struggle with math (And I am a million in one to appreciate this joke!)

2.   I am not short. I am just fun size. (My personal favourite)

3.   My wife’s husband is freaking awesome! (My wife’s counter to this is ‘Any husband other than you is freaking awesome’)

4.   No. Al-Gebra is not a terrorist network! (You are right. It is just terror…)

5.   The world needs more humble geniuses. There are so few of us left! (See No.10 below)

6.   HERE I AM! What are your other 2 wishes? (A hammer and a rope… to hit you on the head and then strangle you!)

7.   Everyone is entitled to be stupid... But you are abusing the privilege! (You can’t have monopoly over it. Let me have the privilege for some time)

8.   I Have Multiple Personalities and None of Them Like You. (My dear, everybody who's anybody is nobody! So I am not bothered)

9.   If guns are outlawed... only outlaws will have guns. (Ha…ha… replace ‘guns’ with ‘wives’ and read!)

10.   There's a Fine Line Between Genius and Insanity, I Have Erased this Line. (You are insanely genius I say)

11.   My Mind Wanders, and Sometimes Leaves Completely. (Good riddance for you! And I am sure you won’t miss much!)

12.   When I want pointless conversation I'll let you know. (So that you can contribute well?)

13.   I've Stopped Listening... Why Haven't You Stopped Talking? (So that you can stop listening again)

14.   All I ask is a Chance to prove money can't make me happy... (Someone said ‘money is the root of all evil.’ Why give you that chance of turning evil)

While I refuse to advertise the brands and services free (be it GUESS or GAP or NIKE), I am willing to sport a pithy remark boldly from my frontage IF IT MAKES SENSE. Tees should transform from a symbol of self-expression to that of activism. While humour and shock value still rule the roost when it comes to flaunting messages on tees, there should be a slow and steady shift towards meaningful and socially relevant ideas.

THE ONLY FOOD THAT NEVER GOES UP IN PRICE IS FOOD FOR THOUGHT

In these fitness-crazy, size-zero-goal times, I wanted to try out some serious diet practices to lose weight and keep myself fit as a fiddle (though there is no one to bother about the fiddle:-(. Unfortunately like many other noble intentions of mine, this one is also getting skewed by economic reality (this statement will make sense only to those who know that I am pursuing only non-remunerative passions of mine like writing this post and I am no more the bread winner… not even a crumbs winner :-().

When I decided a month back to follow the GM diet of just vegetables and fruits, I found that, the prices of these had shot through the roof.  Then I thought I should look around for an alternative to the GM Diet. A plethora of products exist to tap into our greatest fears and insecurities. There's always something telling us it will make us thinner, faster, smarter, healthier, better… only if we just spend our money. Also many products labeled “lite”, “diet”, “low calorie”, “low sugar / sugar-free”, ‘Cholesterol-free”, “Fat-free” etc – all of them as tasty as papier-mâché – are all PRICEY compared to their “fattening, high-sugar, cholesterol choking” counterparts. In fact the interesting thing that I found was, the less the ingredients, the higher the price was. If the product doesn’t have MSG, it is priced 25% more. The same with sugar-free and cholesterol-free (English is a funny language… these give the connotation of something being given free while the reality is exactly opposite to that!). Assumably, the ‘less is more’ concept originated years ago… when ‘unleaded’ petrol started selling at a premium than the usual ‘leaded’, though lead is a petroleum ‘additive’. Thus every ‘No xxxx’ proclaimed on the label meant an approx. 20% hike in the price.

A month ago my brother was telling me about a colleague of his in BARC. His colleague being a diabetic used to take his coffee without sugar in the office canteen, but will pack that couple of spoons sugar separately and take it home. The argument being, I have paid for the coffee including the sugar and let me take the sugar for my family. Fair enough… now I am encouraged to quote this to the companies and ask them to either charge me less for all these ‘xxxx-free’ products or give that ‘xxxx’ separately. I remember hearing a joke some years back about Colgate’s toothpaste advertisement that said ‘Get the Ring of Confidence’. One customer after picking up the product from the shelf went to the counter and asked for ‘the ring’ that has been promised in the pack!

Of late there is this fervent belief that organic food is more nutritious. Whether it is nutritious or not, it definitely is expensive. The reason why I am not talking here about the nutrition part is there are varied opinions about what truly is ‘organic’ and whether that ‘true organic’ is better than ‘ordinary’ produce. This is a debatable subject and this post will lose the light heartedness with which I have always presented certain points.

Ok… now let me get back to that light banter. But one thing for sure that I have observed is, the rich who buy only organic or natural products act as though they are morally superior, that they have tender consciences and hug the planet (as well as the small farmer!) on a daily basis while we other non-organics want everyone to die of pesticide poisoning, the earth to become barren and animals / small farmers to suffer. He is the Do-Gooder type you know… buying organic food is like being a super hero with a wallet. He lends support to the humane treatment of animals, conservation of healthy soil, etc. Additionally, not buying "pedestrian(!) food" means not participating in the problems associated with it, like pesticides running into rivers and lakes, farmers committing suicide. He sees us hazarding into a plague-ridden, bionic, sci-fi novel future (which essentially means there is no future). He takes up the ethical banner, and shouts "Never fear, Mother Earth! My conscientious consumer habits will save you from peril!"

The second type, other than the rich, who buys the ‘lite’ or ‘sugar-free’ or ‘organic’ or ‘the naturals’ is the Health Junkie.  He believes that the body's a temple. He does yoga, don pedometers on the belt. He runs those 5K charity runs that occasionally block the roads you were trying to cross. He has read about everything from Alzheimer's to genetic defects that might result from consuming even trace amounts of pesticides, and he is not having any of that. He is fretful and you can't serve him a salad without divulging the origins of your lettuce. He is absolutely a paranoid and makes you feel that you are a glutton and a fat slob.

Usually hiding behind the mask of Do-Gooder and Health Junkie, is the third category of customer - the Highbrow. He is the intellectual God selected to spreading the message. He is the messiah. Any food consumed must be explained to any deeply uninterested soul to reveal origin, health benefits, gourmet pluses, and cost justification… all rattled off like a programmed gadget. He can't wait to tell you that the wine he is drinking was aged in a cave in sealed earthenware for many years. He is the Sheldon Cooper of The Big Bang Theory.  

Now let us understand this organic hype a little. In US, products made entirely with certified organic ingredients and methods can be labeled "100% organic," while only products with at least 95% organic ingredients may be labeled "organic." Where producers cannot use the term legally without certification, using currently undefined terms like "authentic" and "natural", are emerging. 

Natural, organic and 100% organic is so confusing I thought I will explain them using a concocted skit that has Koundamani and Senthil as characters in the discussion. If you are not familiar with these Tamil cinema comedians, you can replace them in your mind with Wayne and Garth of Wayne’s World or Laurel and Hardy of yester years.

K:  Did you get the apple?

S:  Yeah, got it right here.

K:  Is it organic?

S:  It says it’s natural.

K:  You Coconut head… Did the apple talk?

S:  No, the label states the apple is natural.

K:  Does that mean it’s organic?                    

S:  Naturally.

K:  Is Natural Organic?

S:  Sure, it grows in nature doesn’t it?

K: You flat head… So, why does the label say natural and not organic?

S:  Because organic is natural and natural is organic. 

K:  100% sure?

S:  Yes naturally.

K:  Then it’s 100% organic.

S:  Huh?

K:  So according to you, the egg-head, 100% organic is more organic than organic and natural.

S: What about natural?  Nature is nature, which is 100%organic.

K:  Naturally you’d think that.  But natural is marketing.

S: So what you are saying is they could have put ‘marketing’ on the label instead of ‘natural’?

K:  You pumpkin head… Natural is a marketing gimmick.  It makes food & things look healthy and organic.

S:  So, let me get this straight.  Marketing is unnatural, so natural is not organic, and organic is not 100%.

K:  Naturally…

S:  Don’t start; I’m leaving.

Hopefully you are not as confused as Koundamani and Senthil.  Just remember “natural” is not synonymous with “organic” or “100% organic.” It is a term latched onto by the marketing departments.  And “100% organic” is the only labeling that is regulated to not have any chemicals in the product.

The gist of all this razzing and raving is that I cannot follow any diet program, simply because it is an expensive proposition.  I now understand why they say ‘Put money where your mouth is’. I will jump on that GM Diet band wagon, just as soon as the lady luck smiles and slips enough organic apples under my pillow... to pay for other organic vegetables! 

I forgot to remember...

A few years ago in a stand-up comedy show a satirist was saying that when you are 21 people say ‘You have BECOME 21’. Then they say ‘You have TURNED 30’… then ‘you are PUSHING 40’… later ‘you have REACHED 50’… and then ‘you have MADE it to 60’.

My God! You can see that it takes a lot of effort to age… from BECOMING to MAKING it. But I believed that old age happens...with little or no effort on our part. Not to be so. The only thing that I am worried about is it should not mark the onset of a serious disease, like Alzheimer’s or dementia… this fear lurks in the back of my brain.

I remember that my dad had illusions some five years back because of his medicines. He was seven or eight years into his Parkinsons’ by that time and he used to see a swimming pool in the balcony of my neighbour and a few kitten always playing around him. I don’t mind having illusions… if it could be of the sort, Miss World is next to me in the bed or I am driving a Porsche.

Last month I had been to an Upanayanam (sacred thread ceremony), and in the dining hall met a young lady who waved at me. I didn’t remember her name, but could remember her face as being familiar. Yet it seemed she knew me well. Uh oh, I’m forgetting names. Instead of pretending, that I already know who she was, and saying “Oh! Hey... how’ve you been?” I was like saying in an uncouth manner “Oh, sorry I don’t remember you.” She in an assuaging tone told me who she is (I realised that she is my wife’s sister-in-law’s aunt’s daughter-in-law – in short a family friend Mr Ramanathan’s daughter-in-law and I had been to their home many times). This face and name forgetting has been happening only the last one year or so. It is as though I have done an emergency landing in China and all the faces are same and all the names are similar sounding.

Many a time, I have actually pretended to remember someone and acted like I have never forgotten the name. I claim to possess photographic memory… but blurred and under developed. The conversation on get together occasions used to go like this…

“Hey, man. How are you?” or “What’s up dude! Long time.” And then wait to see whether he is going to remember my name or not. I avoid any type of conversation that would include his name, and just wait for the name to just end up being mentioned by someone else.  Or pretend and say, ‘Hey, so yeah man.. how do you spell your name again?’…as though, there are so many different spellings for a single name.

Or else I usually ask for their CURRENT number (as though I hold on to some archaic number of theirs!) and have that immediately input into my phone and check whether the phone lists it as already stored under the name _______! Sometimes when someone is there with me, I will do the one-sided introduction… “Hey this is my wife Lakshmi” expecting the anonymous person to introduce himself by uttering his name. This is all fine if you remember the face and don’t know the name. But if you cannot recall the face itself? It is one thing to forget the name and it’s another thing to forget the face. The difference can be stated thus: it is one thing to forget where you put your glasses, and it’s quite another to forget that you wear glasses in the first place. I have some techniques for recalling faces too. When I first get introduced to people, I will refer to them mentally as “the guy with the ‘bonda’ nose”, “the chick with huge hips”, “the guy with droopy eyelids” etc.

Ok. What causes this memory impairment? I believe it has to do with the hippocampus, a part of the brain responsible for memory and navigation.  The brain deletes what it considers clutter—especially if that particular memory hasn’t been used in a while. But now, this doesn’t explain why I’ve still retained such trivial rubbish as the entire jingle of “Washing Powder Nirma”—a TV commercial I haven’t seen in more than 20 years. But someone who I met yesterday needs to get re-introduced! Short term memory loss vs. Long term memory retention, I suppose!

People only use 10 percent of their brainpower and we need less and less memory every day, though there is an information explosion in the recent times. We have 100 times the information but we have 1,000 times the links to find the information. All you need to remember is Google’s URL. Heck, you don’t even have to remember that — your computer will. Computer memory is growing exponentially. But every year, my RESIDUAL AVAILABLE Memory (RAM) gets smaller and smaller. How about making a backup copy of one’s brain… after all, knowledge may improve over time, but memory does not. And when I am on the topic of computers and technology I need to mention this… all those passwords and PIN numbers we have to memorize nowadays. I don’t know why we can’t assign a simple password like MURALIGANESH… why should it have some special character and some numeric as well? Why can’t the PIN number for all my six credit cards be simply my permanent age, say 25?!

We all know the negatives about forgetting, but believe it or not, there are some positives. For one thing, every day you meet new faces and there is nothing like a familiar old face… how exciting it is! Another plus to memory loss is that if you accidentally get a glimpse of yourself in the mirror, you might for a split-second think, ‘who's this that's come to visit me’? So in a way, it is like you always have new company. There are other good things too. I visit my neighbours more often… thinking that’s where I live, but they don’t know that!

The age-old joke about signs of growing old… first you forget names, second you forget faces, then you forget to zip up, and finally you forget to zip down. I am happy that I have not crossed the second stage. And most importantly I would like to die while I can still remember who I am :-)

I am not bugged at all for being bugged

Take the recent news about US snooping on the world through the emails and social networks. Many would crib that their privacy is getting lost. But I would look at it very positively. I am happy that someone is interested in me. I have always felt that being ignored is the most traumatic experience one can have. Take for instance my case. No one has been paying any attention to me ever since I took retirement from active job. I am being ignored totally by my son, my daughter, my wife, my neighbor, his wife and his dog included! My people do not even know whether I am at home or not. They are simply not bothered.

The other day there was a conversation at home that went like this:

My wife:  “Hi Prashy, since you have successfully completed your Engineering Degree, let us celebrate. We will have dinner outside”

Me: “Good. Let us go to some restaurant for a change rather than ordering food at home thru Door Delivery. Let us enjoy the ambience”

My Wife: “Oh… come-on… in the recent past we never visited a restaurant. We have always been ordering food to be delivered at home. Prashy, don’t listen to him. You tell me… we should go outside to a restaurant”

Prashanth: “Yes mom… let us go out and eat”

Me: “That is a good idea. Let us go to Punjabi Daba or Door No. 27”

Prashanth: “No dad… we will go to some good restaurant like Punjabi Daba or Door No.27”

My Wife:  “Prashy I will go with your suggestion. Let us go to Punjabi Daba"

Me: “Ok…Let us have some Phulkas and some non-spicy mushroom or panneer side dish”

My Wife: “Prashy ignore him… let us not have Butter Naans because they will be very greasy. And let there be no spice in the side dish… he probably can digest that but we can’t. Let us order some Panner Butter masala”

You would have observed that in the above conversation I did not exist to them. In my childhood my mom sometimes used to keep a tab on me… what kind of friends I have, what films I go to, whether I study properly etc. I used to get a little pissed off then. But now I realize that she cared for me. And I have none to do so now... or at least till this news came! I thought I have become a non-entity, an object, a thing…

But now I am happy. Obama, David Cameron and other world leaders are listening to me. I won’t be surprised if Obama reads this blog entry and sends me a reassuring message that he is around for me! He may even suggest my dinner menu and the restaurant. Cameron may share tips with me on my spondylitis problem. NSA and PRISM could secretly promote me as an 'indispensable entity' to my family.

I always thought that the only people worth spying on were world leaders, scientists experimenting with ways to breed a new specie that will wipeout the human race, or, most frequently, H(B)ollywood stars who were having affairs with other H(B)ollywood stars. But now apparently since some video cameras have shrunk to the size of a shirt button and have proliferated like rabbits, and also sophisticated surveillance technology comes bundled with your internet browsers, it has become possible to spy on everyone. In fact surveillance has become so commonplace that we all spend more time on camera every day than Sharukh Khan or Katrina do.

Satellites can probably count the hairs on my head... oh…no... hairs Sprouting from my ears. I heard from my brother that my nephew in Delhi picked up a fight with some indecent gang of youngsters for catching young girls from every angle with obscene, ubiquitous cellphone cameras.

But I digress. Every click, every place visited, and everything we do is recorded, analysed, and disseminated between the internet service providers, search engines such as Google, and other interested parties. This data is sold and re-sold, and used and re-used. And you know what…as I get older I make Grumpy, the dwarf in ‘Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs’, seem like a party animal. I am happy that some telemarketer knows many things about me (more than my wife, son and daughter put together!), but I get very aggressive when I realise someone or some organisation who I have never communicated with knows many PERSONAL things about me. The most intimate details of my life such as, how much do I owe the credit card companies, why haven't I taken bath for the last three days, how often do I and my wife in a week… well, don’t let your imagination run riot… quarrel.

Ok… now my serious opinion on surveillance. I share the naive faith - If I've done nothing wrong, I've nothing to fear. So I am happy that I am under scrutiny. For those who are unhappy, I want to say this. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. So you should shift to Vegas, if privacy is important. Or better still… take vengeance and infect your computer with virus that can latch on to PRISM of NSA!

The thing that is BUGGING me!

Now a new study postulates that eating insects are good for you (The Hindu last page and TOI centre page of today 14-5-2013). I am finding this difficult to digest! But if others can digest them, who am I to question that? When you can eat a hot dog why not a hot roach? 

Insects are incredibly efficient at converting vegetation into protein and apparently, every 100 kg of feed produces 40kg of protein compared to only 10kg of protein from beef. In parts of Africa, where swarms of locusts are wiping out crops, rather than killing them with insecticides, the locusts are harvested and used for food. Termites are commonly eaten in most parts of Africa. 

Now what will happen to the pest control industry? Mortein, Hit etc. We have the idea that if you see an insect, spray it. Now it will change to if you see it, simply eat it! The Chinese have a humorous take on their gastronomic tastes: "We eat everything that flies except planes, everything that has legs except the table and chairs.” And they eat deadly scorpions too! One man's meat is another man's poison, they say. Should we now change this to ‘One man’s poison is another man’s meat’….

Believe it or not, most of the world eats bugs. Inadvertently we are all already eating bugs, whether we mean to or not. Peanut butter is allowed to have thirty insect fragments per hundred grams, and chocolate is O.K. up to sixty according to US Govt’s Food Regulations (FDA).

Sometime back eating insects was a staple on “Fear Factor”… now they are featured on “Top Chef Masters”! Offering your friend a delicious buggy snack, dry roasted crickets for instance, will inevitably result in comments such as ''Gross!'', ''Disgusting'', and of course, ''You’ve got to be kidding me!'' These reactions are a result of our culturally imposed food values. But think about it. We react the same way to Gay Marriages here in India which now is legal in many countries.

People have been eating insects since the beginning of time. In the ancient empires of Greece and Rome, Entomophagy (the eating of insects) was commonly practised. Locusts and cicadas were popular among both the rich and the poor. Wine and bran fed stag beetle larva and honeyed locusts were served at the Royal family’s grand banquets. So you see, insects have been eaten throughout time by everyone from peasants to kings. Why shouldn’t we follow our ancestors’ examples?

While there are insects I find annoying in my part of the world - Chennai (such as mosquitoes, flies and ants), their relatively small size makes them seem less threatening than some other tropical cousins like cockroaches. I realize that many people are used to seeing such creatures every day and therefore don’t find them unnerving. However, this knowledge didn’t help me much when I went to Dharmasthala and Kollur in Karnataka on a pilgrimage. I found crawling, flying, creeping and scuttling roaches everywhere… above our bed, below our bed, in the bathroom etc. In fact the temple Mookambika in Kollur is infested with cockroaches. Anyway at Dharmasthala, after some comically desperate manoeuvres  I finally succeeded in banishing the bugs from the room. Perhaps if I had known that roaches make a tasty food (ground up with chillies to make a spicy Thai delicacy), I would have invited a few Indonesian and Thai friends of mine.

However, I don’t think I’d ever be able to switch to a bug-eating lifestyle, no matter how tasty or nutritious they might be. I’ll leave that to those with more adventurous palates and stronger stomachs. I am no Andrew Zimmern to try out Bizarre foods!

In Korea where they eat dog meat, there is a joke that is in circulation. The houses which have dogs as pets sport a sign which says 'BEWARE OF HUMANS'.

I remembered the joke in the Tamil Movie ‘Sabash Meena’ where the comedian complains, "Look there is a fly in the tea." And the tea-shop owner replies, “then what… for the ten paise you pay, do you expect an elephant to float?”

There are other similar jokes…

“Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.” “Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.”

“Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.”  “That's all right sir, he won't drink much.”

“Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.” “So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?”

“Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea cup?”  “I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.”

And now if you complain. "Waiter, there is a roach in my burger", you may hear "That would be Rs 10 extra on your bill sir"

Keep it, toss it, sell it, or donate it.

We are a COLLECTORS family! Not that we all have an IAS qualification…but in the sense of accumulating things as memorabilia, mementos or just keepsakes, we are collectors. We accumulate, accumulate and accumulate. Be they polythene covers, or marriage thaamboola bags… or torn bed linen (to be used as rags while painting the house or doing some plumbing work)… take-away-food empty containers, soft-drink bottles… torn curtains / upholstery material (again for rags), or discarded old beddings (to be used as extra beds on the floor when guests come)… empty glass bottles, left-over painting / plumbing / carpentry / electrical materials, plastic tubs (that found use some decades back when there was water shortage in the city)… huge vessels used by my mother decades ago when we were a joint-family… or pens that don't work, broken Ganapathy idols (incidentally my wife has the hobby of collecting Ganesas in various materials, forms)… you name it, we have RETAINED it!

My wife’s argument invariably is “At some point in time, in our lives or in the lives of our future generations, these will come in handy”. No denial of this! Once I asked my wife for a polythene cover to store photocopies of documents of my two-wheeler. She gave me five covers of different sizes and asked me which one would suit my purpose and how MANY would I require. I was simply floored! On another occasion there was some minor plumbing work at home and I asked for some rags to block a pipeline. Instantly she pulled out from underneath the cot, a trunk box full of torn clothes and asked me to choose. And there it is. Who am I to complain about my people accumulating unwanted things? They are collecting only utilities, values, conveniences and practicalities… there, that sounds better than saying ‘clutter’.

My house does look like the aftermath of an earthquake. I’ve got to throw or give stuff away. But how can I do it without the consent of others. Giving away things is not easy for a born collector of things like my wife. Even the smallest thing seems to create conflict. Throwing away a empty milk sachet, an old magazine, a cute card or something that someday someone somewhere might be able to use is traumatic.

Humans are genetically hunters and gatherers, but the gathering thing has reached epic proportions in my house. I have never thrown away a single greeting card my daughter or son has ever given / sent me. Then there is this GUY clutter in our house. It is mostly about tools… My son has enough tools to equip a multi-car-brand workshop that can take care of tinkering to painting to engine-overhaul. And recently when he went to Total Mall with my brother-in-law, he got a cute multi-tool piece resembling a Swiss Knife that had screwdrivers, a LED flash light, a small wrench etc. to fill in the lacunae!

Another trait of my son Prashanth... He detests every bit of clothing he owns. On an occasion - a Wedding Reception -  I pulled out a Kurta from the wardrobe (that I maintain for him… he never buys clothes or put them to wash or give them for pressing) for him to wear. He looked at it and said, “What? Are you crazy? In a city like Chennai, who will wear a full sleeved, jazzy embroidered outfit like this? It will be too hot”. But later when I attempted to give it away he developed a sentimental attachment to it and said something like, “JeeJoo got this from Rajasthan and how dare you give it away?”

My wife owns so much stuff, she often has to spend days searching for something or other. I extend, at times, my assistance. Thank god I am not suicidal! Otherwise when you visit my home and jerk open my wife’s closet, you will find me rolling out of it dead, along with all the junk. But I know that it could be weeks before either you or my wife will find my body :-)

Other than the ones I listed initially in this post, my wife saves these as well... just in case.

Cardboard boxes: Need these in case we move... in case we run out of firewood... and in case I need a place to hide.

Fancy china and stainless-steelware: Just in case we get a sudden visit from the Prime Minister. Otherwise on a daily routine, my son, my daughter and I get the crummy stuff. Our friends and family also get the second-rate plates, forks and spoons.

Ill-fitting clothes of Prashanth and mine: Half the clothes haven't fitted Prashanth since 1991... the year he was born! But we're saving them just in case Pavithra my daughter delivers a boy. Similarly for me if that miracle diet works… I have to fit into the waist 30” wardrobe, according to my wife!

Exercise machine: The fancy Elliptical / Orbitrek… keeping all those spiders in shape and at times the vacuum cleaner in working condition! It looked really appealing in those television ads, when someone else was doing the sweating. My wife thought the fat would just disappear, but the only thing that disappeared was my money!

The other day I was telling my wife how to get rid of clutter: “Ask yourself ‘Have I owned whatever this thing for more than two years and never worn it or used it?’ and if your answer is Yes, then throw it out”. Quick was her retort… “I have never found any use of you for over a decade now, and out you should go first”.

The late comedian George Carlin said, “Your house is a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get… more stuff!”

Better not discuss this topic any further. Pointing out your partner’s clutter never leads to a happy ending… or for that matter less clutter!

A bit under the weather

Lane: London Fog… How ludicrous.

Don: Really? I have one.

Bert: So do I.

Lane: No, of course… It’s just the name. There is no fog in London. There is no London fog.

Bert: Are you sure about that?

Lane: Quite. Never was. It was the coal dust from the industrial era… Charles Dickens and what not.

These are the lines from the opening episode of the 3rd season of Mad Men that was telecast last night. The dialogue mentioned above happens in Bert Cooper’s office where ad experts are discussing the absurd name of American clothing brand ‘London Fog’. From British point of view - the merger of agencies has a British as the CFO - the name is completely wrong, Americans on the other hand think otherwise.

That apart, weather-obsessed British people spend on average six months of their lives talking about whether it is going to rain or shine, according to a survey published recently. The most usual explanation for the British fascination with weather is that it is so unpredictable. But Britons! Do not worry. It is no different in Chennai or India for that matter. In a lifelong trend, which shows no signs of changing over the short term, people in their 30’s, 40’s, 50’s and older still, list the weather as the top topic in conversation with both strangers and close family and friends. I think it's a part of our national psyche to complain about everything.

The last many years that I have been in Chennai, every time I meet someone during summer, this is what they have to say. “This year has been horrible. I am sure the temperature, on an average, must be at least a degree higher than last year.” If this had been true Chennai would now be like a nuclear reactor, fission and fusion happening for free, and there will be no power cuts!

The summer heat is wearing everyone thin. In Chennai, the 4 seasons are: hot, hotter, hottest and ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Right now we are in the fourth season AYKM. I have Windows 8 on my system which has a screen on Weather by Bing.  If you check it you will find that except Chennai and a couple of other coastal cities, the temperature recorded and ‘FELT’ are the same. In Chennai it mostly says, Temperature: 36 degrees, Clear sky, FEELS like 42 degrees. What the heck? They may as well say ‘FEELS like S#@T’. (The “Feels Like” temperature is apparently the apparent temperature based on temperature, humidity and wind speed). All I can say is meteorology is closer to astrology than it is to astronomy.

It's pretty easy to make jokes about the heat in Chennai... Here are some culled out from internet on Texas heat – changed to Chennai. It's so hot in Chennai that...

• the vegetables arrive cooked from Koyambedu, and all you have to do is to add salt and pepper.
• the farm-fresh eggs come as boiled eggs.
• the milk is in the form of milk powder. 
• you’ve cancelled your Hotmail account because you didn’t like the name
• you can get your shirt pressed (in Chennai they say ‘ironed’) simply by wearing your seatbelt in the car.
• you are forced to take a hot shower always… as hot water now comes out of both taps.
• you try driving the car by holding the steering wheel with just one finger and that too by the tip.
• you discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window (now that the law enforcement has ripped of the dark films!).
• you notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
• you actually burn your hand opening the car door.
• you realize that bitumen on top of roads has a liquid state.
• the camels prefer Chennai over Thar desert.
• that all Europeans and Canadians will spontaneously undergo combustion while Siberians will evaporate.

If Einstein had visited Chennai he would have explained Relativity like this… “When you are in Switzerland an hour seems like a second. When you visit Chennai a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.”

A husband and his wife were sound asleep when suddenly the phone rang.  The husband picked up the phone and said, 'Hello? How the heck do I know? What do you think I am… a weatherman?' He then slammed the phone down and settled into bed.

‘Who was that?' asked his wife. 'I don't know. It was some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear.'