A bit under the weather

Lane: London Fog… How ludicrous.

Don: Really? I have one.

Bert: So do I.

Lane: No, of course… It’s just the name. There is no fog in London. There is no London fog.

Bert: Are you sure about that?

Lane: Quite. Never was. It was the coal dust from the industrial era… Charles Dickens and what not.

These are the lines from the opening episode of the 3rd season of Mad Men that was telecast last night. The dialogue mentioned above happens in Bert Cooper’s office where ad experts are discussing the absurd name of American clothing brand ‘London Fog’. From British point of view - the merger of agencies has a British as the CFO - the name is completely wrong, Americans on the other hand think otherwise.

That apart, weather-obsessed British people spend on average six months of their lives talking about whether it is going to rain or shine, according to a survey published recently. The most usual explanation for the British fascination with weather is that it is so unpredictable. But Britons! Do not worry. It is no different in Chennai or India for that matter. In a lifelong trend, which shows no signs of changing over the short term, people in their 30’s, 40’s, 50’s and older still, list the weather as the top topic in conversation with both strangers and close family and friends. I think it's a part of our national psyche to complain about everything.

The last many years that I have been in Chennai, every time I meet someone during summer, this is what they have to say. “This year has been horrible. I am sure the temperature, on an average, must be at least a degree higher than last year.” If this had been true Chennai would now be like a nuclear reactor, fission and fusion happening for free, and there will be no power cuts!

The summer heat is wearing everyone thin. In Chennai, the 4 seasons are: hot, hotter, hottest and ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Right now we are in the fourth season AYKM. I have Windows 8 on my system which has a screen on Weather by Bing.  If you check it you will find that except Chennai and a couple of other coastal cities, the temperature recorded and ‘FELT’ are the same. In Chennai it mostly says, Temperature: 36 degrees, Clear sky, FEELS like 42 degrees. What the heck? They may as well say ‘FEELS like S#@T’. (The “Feels Like” temperature is apparently the apparent temperature based on temperature, humidity and wind speed). All I can say is meteorology is closer to astrology than it is to astronomy.

It's pretty easy to make jokes about the heat in Chennai... Here are some culled out from internet on Texas heat – changed to Chennai. It's so hot in Chennai that...

• the vegetables arrive cooked from Koyambedu, and all you have to do is to add salt and pepper.
• the farm-fresh eggs come as boiled eggs.
• the milk is in the form of milk powder. 
• you’ve cancelled your Hotmail account because you didn’t like the name
• you can get your shirt pressed (in Chennai they say ‘ironed’) simply by wearing your seatbelt in the car.
• you are forced to take a hot shower always… as hot water now comes out of both taps.
• you try driving the car by holding the steering wheel with just one finger and that too by the tip.
• you discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window (now that the law enforcement has ripped of the dark films!).
• you notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
• you actually burn your hand opening the car door.
• you realize that bitumen on top of roads has a liquid state.
• the camels prefer Chennai over Thar desert.
• that all Europeans and Canadians will spontaneously undergo combustion while Siberians will evaporate.

If Einstein had visited Chennai he would have explained Relativity like this… “When you are in Switzerland an hour seems like a second. When you visit Chennai a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.”

A husband and his wife were sound asleep when suddenly the phone rang.  The husband picked up the phone and said, 'Hello? How the heck do I know? What do you think I am… a weatherman?' He then slammed the phone down and settled into bed.

‘Who was that?' asked his wife. 'I don't know. It was some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear.'